Every story in this world begins the same way, boy meets girl. They have sex, baby is born the end. This save a few details is the story of every human being that is alive today. My circumstances were no different in fact the only thing amazing about this story is how we got to this point in the first place. Sex is a given. That is how it works. But why we are who we are is the greater mystery.
I’ve thought about this long and hard and I would say most people don’t have a clue who the fuck they really are. Best believe they fully understand what society wants them to be though. We are trained from an early age to care too much about what we are suppose to be and do and for most people the trauma never wears off. We have way too many adults still seeking the approval of a world that could give a damn about them. Most of the times we don’t even realize how little people actually care because where too caught up in what we are going through.
We seem convinced that we are the center of the known universe, so everything has to be about us. Being the driving force of humanity demands it. But being the center also puts demands on us and that pressure is what kills us. Because sometimes the stars we reach for are in another galaxy, too far to reach in our lifetime. And faced with this proposition we are forced to make decisons.
The choice isn’t easy because we are not experts at living for ourselves. We live for family and friends and our jobs. Until one day we retire and die from boredom, knowing deep down that the world that we left is the same and honestly worse than the one we were given.
How can we have peace like that? We can’t, our conscious knows the truth and most of us will have to come to grips with the fact that we may not even matter.
And the thought of me not doing something substantial hurts me. Because I’m someone who always dreamed of huge extravagant things and the knowledge that something may be out of my reach is hard for me to live with. But I’m okay with it; in the way that someone who is told they only have a month live is “okay” with it. I accept it because I have no choice. But I’m not cool with the idea at all. I just don’t have the option to expect anything else.
Do I go to the great beyond of my imagination or do I settle for the charted dreams and path that everyone demands of me. I chose the great beyond and so did my father.